Step by Step   I know it’s something that is said all of the time, albeit in different ways, One foot In front of the other Step by step Moment by moment   I have heard these things said all the time, and I had always thought I knew exactly what it meant. But when times get really tough my head just seems to go into a tailspin, thinking about all of the different things that need to be done, ways I need to change my life, looking back at the past hurts, missing the ones I love the most. My heart starts racing, my thoughts although plenty feel aimless…

My screams were silent My cries hidden My fears masked Darkness – colourless What do I mean by this ? When I was at my lowest, and when I say lowest, I should call it what it was suicidal That was when the smile of my face was the widest, the brightest. But if anyone looked a moment longer, they would see there was no life behind my eyes. I had come to a place of resolution, acceptance (my definition at the time) I had talked, talked to people around me, told them I was worried for myself But now I see that that didn’t mean anything. My mum had…

When my foundation left me, my rocks, my confidants, my champions and biggest supporters. I was jealous, I was jealous that they had left me, left me behind to face this world that now felt cold and empty. I felt utterly alone. I had these huge gaps of silence, hours that would have been spent speaking with them.

My experience of grief has been a funny thing. My road back to life has been filled with strange new habits that have not only helped me climb out of the darkness, but in the process made my smile genuine and not just for for show. In the depths of darkness, of feeling utterly alone, drifting through time, I couldn’t find a way out. I read everything, self help books, blogs which only seemed to make me feel worse. I knew I had two choices. kill myself find a way to live on but how? Every time I read a blog or listened to a self book, I felt inadequate.…